u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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