You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
