It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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