the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
