you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
