i think my mom watched the whole time
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i drank out of a bidet.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
