Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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