I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
