I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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