i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
