Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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