so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
