Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
