my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
