You made me cry and you don't even care
Little spoons don't ask big questions
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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