My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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