There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
