I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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