it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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