i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
