Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
