i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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