Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
