my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
