wakey wakey hands off snakey
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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