i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
