When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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