I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
