I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
