I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
