I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
