I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
