if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
