Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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