my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
