Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
