Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
