So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
