Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
