last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
