I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
