Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
