my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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