Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
