I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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