I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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