Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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