I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
