I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We left the knife in your bed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
