I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
