don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
