I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish you could order shots online.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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