I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
