Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
