I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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